My Story
Content
Tedy`s life
That’s the name of the story I’m going to tell you.
1) Childhood
For a long time, I believed I had grown up in a stable and harmonious family environment. The truth, however, was revealed later when I began to recognize how deeply dysfunctional some of the patterns at home were. Of course, I don’t blame my parents in any way; they also carry their own wounds. I love them immensely and I know they gave the best they were capable of.
2) Children, and sometimes adults, are cruel
After I turned ten, I started to realize I was different from others and from my sister, who served as my basic daily example. I was quite plump compared to my surrounding environment of friends and classmates. Between the ages of 10 and 16, my peers started giving me nicknames like “Porky Pig,” “donut,” “fatty,” and a whole lot of other truly offensive words and phrases. Yes, children are truly cruel, but I am inclined to excuse them because, after all, in that age range, you’re not yet mature enough to think rationally.
But what about loved ones and even parents? “If you continue to eat like that, you’ll look like her (a girl with serious overweight) at your prom,” my father’s words. “Stop, you’ve eaten enough,” my mother’s words. I don’t want to hurt or offend them at all; I’m just telling the truth, and unfortunately, that’s what it is. It’s also true that at home, we were often served mainly fatty and heavy meals, hot dogs, mayonnaise, and my favorite pitka detelinka (a type of soft bread). Oh, how much I loved to tear a soft bun in half, spread it generously with mayonnaise, and fill it with salami or a hot dog.
During this period, my mother worked in a women’s clothing store where 99.9% of the topics discussed between her and her clients were: diets, diets, diets, and more diets—everything related to how to lose a few pounds. I heard stories and “expert” opinions on everything—fasting cures, drinking vinegar, eating only watermelon, only yogurt, weight-loss tea, laxatives, miraculous shakes, and pills—EVERYTHING!
3) In the trap of eating disorders
In the previous chapter, I learned about many different types of diets, so I decided to start experimenting because my prom was approaching and I was quite “round.” Also, there was a boy I liked a lot (my first strong high school love), but according to him, I was “ugly.”
And so, driven by love and the approaching prom, I took up dieting. First I eliminated some foods, then others, and the results and compliments were not long in coming. This is precisely the thin line to falling into the terrible trap of eating disorders. I fell into the trap, but in my eyes, it wasn’t a trap at all—it was the exact opposite, the most divine paradise. I started to feel liked, more beautiful, and more and more ambitious to lose more, and more, and more… it was never enough; in my mind, there was always room for more.
The goal was achieved—at the prom, I was thin, in a short black dress, and with a date who had once considered me ugly. That same boy chose to invite me to be his date from 22 other girls. Well, wasn’t I “ugly”?! What an irony of fate.
What came after the goal?! I won’t hide the fact that many doors opened up for me after the visual change, because I gained a false confidence that still helped me open up more to the world and the opportunities life had to offer, as I focused entirely on my professional goals. I found a good job, and at one point, I even worked three jobs. I studied at the university I wanted and in the major I desired. I appeared normal and happy, but absolutely no one suspected the life I was living, a life devoid of any real meaning. I was perfect at everything—my job, university, boyfriends. I was never lacking attention, but what was the point?!
In reality, I was existing, but not living!
Yes, I pursued my professional goals to the fullest, but on a physical and emotional level, I was a wreck. I woke up with only one thought: what I would eat, where I would eat it, how many calories it contained, where it would “stick,” how much weight I would gain, what I would look like after eating it… how to get rid of it and remove it, if I did eat it.
The reason I worked three jobs wasn’t so much overwork as it was financial difficulties due to my severe bulimic behavior and the enormous amounts of food I bought every day.
My parents were already starting to sense that something wasn’t right, but years ago, these issues were not talked about at all. Now, things are a little more advanced in terms of information and all kinds of sources for it on the internet.
4) The First Verdict: “You’re catching the last train”
My parents were now sure that something was wrong. My mother collected clippings from magazines and newspapers where she found very scarce information about eating disorders. I saw at least five psychologists, to whom I was taken almost by force. Since I no longer had my period (for almost a year, maybe more), they also took me by force to a gynecologist, about whom I will tell you more in a later chapter. The year was 2006, and I was exactly 18 years old.
The doctor’s diagnosis was categorical—Anorexia. I will never forget his words, which were, “Girl, you’re catching the last train if you want to be able to have children one day.” I was worried and cried terribly, but back then, the topic of children was not on my mind at all, and even that couldn’t shake me. I continued to bravely dig the hole I had fallen into. For me, the most important thing in the world remained to be as thin as possible and not to gain a single gram.
My parents tried, but they had a hard time understanding what was going on in my head and what I was going through. To my father, I was a spoiled girl. My sister also had a hard time accepting what was happening and often accused me of ruining our close-knit family. My mother, poor thing, had forgotten how to smile, but she believed and searched for a way to save me until the very end. I will never forget the heavy family environment surrounding my problems. I saw and understood that I was hurting everyone, but I just couldn’t stop.
I often received letters from my mom, not because I was far away—I was in the next room—but everyone had already given up internally and didn’t have the strength to talk to me. Sometimes I would reply with letters as well, and I have kept two of them to this day… one from my mom to me, and one from me to my parents. I cry every time I reread those letters.
Forgive me, Mom! Forgive me, because I know you were the only one who didn’t give up and believed in me until the very end! It hurts me to know how much I’ve hurt you! It hurts me because seven years ago, I truly began to understand what a mother goes through and how powerfully a mother’s heart loves! Here is what is written in the most powerful and genuine letter I have ever read (with no editorial intervention or omitted text). This is a letter to me from my mother back in the distant year of 2007.
Hello, my darling child—Teki!
I’m sorry I have to tell you everything I want to this way, but I don’t have the strength to find another way. After all the nights lately where I’ve only cried and thought about this problem, I’m just going to explode from nerves if I don’t share. My thoughts might seem a bit chaotic, but I beg you to read this to the end! At least I can write you everything without hearing a “Ugh,” without seeing a mocking smile and another false explanation! I won’t reproach you for anything, I won’t blame you, and I won’t criticize you. I just have a few questions and some advice!
Teki, I love you endlessly and I’ve forgiven you for everything—I just don’t know why, out of my blind motherly love and faith in you, I didn’t sense the moment when bulimia pulled you into its insidious grasp. Forgive me for not being by your side and for not fighting this together, but my brain probably just didn’t want to accept that this could happen to my child.
Teki, during our first arguments about this half a year ago, you told me and promised that when you reached 55 kg, you would stop. Teki, why are you still going on? Do you have the motivation to do this, because when a person puts themselves through such torture, they have to have very strong motivation! Teki, I don’t know if there’s a mother in the world who wishes ill on her child. Teki, maybe because I respected your wishes too much, maybe because I saw how happy you would be if you lost weight, that’s why I may have missed the moment and didn’t intervene.
Teki, you are no longer happy. I see it. I hear your nervous outbursts. I see your cloudy gaze and your tired appearance. You no longer have a graceful and feminine body, but a frail, bony, and sickly one! Teki, life is unique and unrepeatable. I want you to realize if what you’re doing is good for you. I want you to know that if you don’t feel the signs you’ve read about right now, be assured that if you continue like this, some of your organs will fail, your immune system will collapse. You know this very well! I am convinced that you probably don’t want to spend some of the best years of your life, which are ahead of you, in hospitals, on drips, and in treatment!
Teki, a person can’t hate food—it’s the fuel for our body. It’s like a car engine running without gas. You can’t deprive yourself for life of the minerals and substances a person needs from food to live. You have a new love—that’s wonderful. If you won’t listen to me, maybe you’ll listen to him. Try to ask him. He’s an athlete and he understands these things! And what do you think—does he prefer an athletic and feminine body or bones and sunken eyes? Teki, the truth is in exercise and in small, frequent amounts of food. I know it’s easy to say, but it’s hard to do. Teki, why won’t you let us help you? Teki, it’s worth living for all the little things! For the sunbeam, for the scent of flowers, for the whisper of the sea, for your loved ones! Teki, please don’t give up. Don’t betray us. I know and I want to believe that we can handle this. There are worse things than this, so I beg you, don’t let yourself fall into the clutches of anorexia and bulimia. It doesn’t suit a “lion” by zodiac sign to act like this! Maybe everything I’ve written seems strange to you because you yourself don’t realize the problem—I’m not mad at you, but tell me honestly and openly… If you saw me or someone else in our family sinking into something, wouldn’t you lend them a hand or would you just watch from the sidelines? So don’t be mad that I’m suffering and worrying; that’s completely normal, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Teki, I want you to come to your senses. I want to have my old Teki back—the cheerful, happy, bubbly one with a clear gaze. In love with life! I want to hope that after all the tears, I too will be a little happy, because for me, happiness is my children being healthy and happy, and our family being whole for everyone! I probably missed a lot of things, but I also said a lot. If I’ve managed to draw even one little tear from you, then all is not lost; it means your spirit is still there and you will fight for yourself and for us! For your future! You deserve only good things because you yourself are a good person! I don’t remember writing such a long explanation even to a boyfriend!
I love you madly! If you decide you want to fight this together—just give me a sign! I will eat this disease, but I’ll have to pull you out of it! If you decide you can fight it alone—try! I don’t know if there are such cases!
Teki, stop torturing yourself. Three kilograms more or less is not the greatest happiness or unhappiness in the world. I don’t want you to be afraid of gaining weight; I just want you to show willpower and start eating a little bit at a time. The greatest happiness is the love of your loved ones for you and your love for them! I truly believe in you! Fight! Let this be your gift for my upcoming birthday! I love you endlessly! I want you to kiss me playfully again, and for us to have fun together again. We all deserve to leave the bad things behind us! If you want, destroy my letter; if you want, keep it!
June 24, 2007, 11:10 p.m.
I very often don’t want to remember what I put my mother through, or all the loved ones who love me. I don’t want to remember because it hurts! I don’t want to remember that even that letter, filled with love and despair, couldn’t open my eyes.
I go back to the clippings from magazines and newspapers that my mother collected between the distant years of 2006 and 2010, and what do I find… I come across a newspaper, “Sedmichen Trud,” issue 27, July 2, 2008. On this now yellowed page is the confession of Vasilia Stoilova—granddaughter of the famous artist Vasil Stoilov and great-granddaughter of Peyo Yavorov. Unfortunately, four years later, Vasilia committed suicide.
“Every lost kilogram is a dose that intoxicates you with victory over the weak, over the human part of yourself. The scale becomes your best friend, your Devil-God, and the mirror in which you see yourself becomes more and more distorted.” – This was a part of the article in which I completely recognized myself during the years of my long and exhausting battle with eating disorders.
I could write hundreds of pages on this chapter, but I think I will leave the details for the realization of another dream of mine—to leave a piece of myself in history and, God willing, continue to help even when I can no longer do so in person. I’ll just add that it happened that I would throw up dozens of times a day, sometimes even water, because I thought I would gain weight from it.
5) Professional Realization, Love, and “Coping” with Eating Problems
At 21, I fled my hometown of Ruse to Sofia because I knew exactly what I wanted to work as and what steps I needed to take to achieve my goal. I was also looking for a way out of my eating problems and a way to stop hurting the people closest to my heart. Throughout this entire period, from ages 15 to 21, eating disorders continued to be my only companion in life, along with my professional goals.
After ten months in Sofia and changing jobs twice, something truly incredible happened to me. Since I had started as a sales representative and was just finishing my marketing degree, I was offered the position of a brand manager colleague who was leaving the company. And so, at 22 years old, I was already working the job I had dreamed of reaching by the time I was 30. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me.
The profession, my desire to prove myself and succeed, the contacts, and the luck of having great colleagues, little by little, pulled me out of the most severe and vicious cycle of eating disorders. After eight months, I fell in love and let a person into my life, with whom I moved in. I gained about 8 kg and gradually started to see the smile on my mother’s face and the calmness in the eyes of my relatives, who had truly lost hope that I could get better.
Yes, I had fundamentally left the great hell; I had stopped starving or binging and purging, but that by no means meant that I had dealt with the problems. I didn’t like myself at my new weight and continued to count every bite I put in my mouth, and I never stopped searching for and trying countless diets.
6) First serious relapse
Everything seemed to be going normally. I was 100% dedicated to my work, but one day, things started to fall apart in my personal and professional life. Since these two areas were directly linked for me, things seemed much more complicated, and it was as if all the bad things were happening at once. I started looking for the reasons solely within myself, and a lightbulb went off: it seemed the reason things weren’t going well in my personal life, and therefore in my work life, was my weight gain. And how did I make this association? The truth is, I heard the words “Oh, it was so nice when I could feel your bones.”
Unfortunately, the worst happened. I couldn’t control the situation and sought “comfort” and a solution in eating disorders. I wanted it to be “nice” again (a reference to the sentence about the bones) and to be thin again. This time, I fell into an even more serious extreme: almost negligible eating and working out 7 times a week for a minimum of an hour and a half. That’s when I reached my lowest weight: 41.9 kg. I was obsessed with the gym, and if I missed even one workout, I felt like it was the end of the world. I would do strength training for almost two hours before noon, return to the office, and have one cup of 2% fat yogurt for lunch. Of course, this not only failed to solve any of the above problems but also sent me toward another, even more serious problem that I thought I had left in the past and behind me.
I had a terribly long period of all kinds of extremes in eating: detox, restrictions, the 90-day diet, keto, vegetarianism, veganism, and fruitarianism. This is a pretty short excerpt; the list is much longer. I honestly don’t think there’s anything I haven’t tried. I was constantly searching for the next “magic” diet.
7) The most serious verdict: “You can’t have children”
I was already 25 years old, weighing 42 kg, completely unstable emotionally, and feeling that I wasn’t succeeding professionally or personally according to my partner’s expectations. During this same period, the idea of having children gradually began to creep into my head. After the rapid weight loss, my period had stopped again and would only come when I was taking birth control. I started asking myself, “How can I have children if I’m taking birth control?”—and answered myself, “There’s no way!”… Then I asked myself, “And how can I have children if I don’t take it, but I don’t have a period?”—the answer was again, “There’s no way!”
These questions settled more and more seriously in my mind, and I decided to seek a doctor’s opinion. Unfortunately, I came across a quite incompetent doctor in Sofia who strung me along with all kinds of tests for three months. In the end, she sent me to a lab to have a hormone called “Inhibin B” tested, which is generally never tested on its own but in combination with AMH (Anti-Müllerian hormone).
Of course, I never stopped reading on the internet about everything the doctor said and about every single test she sent me for. For this hormone, I read that it indicates whether you have ovarian reserve and that if the result is below 100, you have no chance of having your own children. I did the test and I will never forget how I was opening the online results system every minute until the number appeared, and it was “0.” An absolute round 0. I don’t have many memories from that moment because I was not myself. I didn’t know whether to cry, to scream, or just to kill myself.
I’m glad that at one point my reason kicked in. I took the phone, and completely distraught, I called the same doctor who told me in 2006, “You’re catching the last train.” The chances of getting an appointment with him are 6 to 8 months after a call, but apparently, I was so hysterically upset that I ended up with an appointment in two weeks. I am truly grateful from the bottom of my heart for that chance. It was the turn of one of the longest two weeks of my life. They passed in constant forum reading, many tears, and immense fear.
The day of the appointment—Dr. Lyubomir Boychev and the midwife Ivanka Radkova, my angels! Medical Center ‘St. Ivan Rilski’ – Tutrakan. I had already prepared the tests that the doctor asked me to have ready for the appointment. The fated hour arrived. I walked into the office and burst into tears. I was scared and extremely ashamed that ten years prior, I had so easily dismissed the doctor’s warning. Composed and incredibly calm, Dr. Lyubomir Boychev looked at the results and told me, “Calm down, you will have your own child, I promise!” Again, tears, but this time from happiness, because this was a doctor I had and have 10,000% trust in. I knew that if he told me that, it would happen.
Three months of routine tests followed, with the doctor’s final conclusion being, “You can have children completely naturally, but it may take more time.” I had already read up on all the possible options and had a ready-made suggestion for the doctor, and that was “in-vitro.” I was so scared that I wasn’t at all ready to wait for months or years. I had also already reached a more normal, though still underweight, 48 kg.
The longest month of my life was ahead of me: the start of the in-vitro procedure—injections, hormones, medications, reading on the internet around the clock about what and when could go wrong, fear, tears, hope… I was a hurricane of mixed emotions and feelings.
And so, all the procedures were completed, and in two weeks, I would find out if I was pregnant. Even then, I realized that I would do everything in my power to ensure eating disorders remained behind me forever. I promised myself that if God didn’t punish me with the worst and I managed to get pregnant, I would enroll to study psychology, specialize in eating disorders, and one day help people like me so they wouldn’t ruin their lives and their best years.
The day came—I was pregnant!
Here, I want to mention one more angel: the embryologist Gergana Petrova from the “St. Ivan Rilski” Medical Center in Tutrakan (in the photo above, bottom right), who created my little embryo and took care of it for about a week before entrusting it to my care. And the little dear held on to me with teeth and nails. I believe it could feel how strongly I wanted it. I was flying with happiness, but then I fell with fear. “What if something goes wrong?”, “What if I can’t carry it to term?”, “What if I lose it because I’m still underweight?”
I will never forget my father’s harsh words: “If something happens to the baby because of your stupidity, you don’t exist to me.” My father was always the most important figure for me, and I don’t know if he realized what he was doing to me with his words, but he still does to this day. First with the words that partially pushed a child toward eating disorders (I mentioned it in chapter two), and then with these incredibly harsh words. Something could have always gone wrong without me or the historical situations being the cause.
Of course, my maternal instinct spoke 100% and throughout the entire pregnancy, I didn’t allow myself for even a second to follow any kind of diet or fall into extremes. I made sure to make good food choices and not to deprive myself of anything if I felt like eating it. I remember that I had a terrible craving for homemade banitsa, and everyone indulged me and cooked me little banitsas.
The result… I had an incredibly easy and problem-free pregnancy, without any side effects like nausea, vomiting, or peculiar cravings. I was not a grumpy pregnant woman; on the contrary… I was so happy with the little human growing inside me that no one and nothing could wipe the smile off my face. I was flying with happiness, and parallel to that, I had already enrolled in psychology. With the little human inside me, I traveled every weekend for my lectures.
8) The happiest event in my life
Nine months passed, and SHE appeared. My biggest dream—TEIA! She was perfect, healthy, and so strongly desired and loved! When I hugged her for the first time, I couldn’t believe she was real and that I was holding her in my arms. She gave me the strength for everything, and most of all, the strength to never give up on what I had promised myself.
9) My Calling and Mission in Life
I knew that one day I would fulfill my dream: to help people who have fallen into the trap of eating disorders, eternal diets, and self-hatred toward their own bodies.
And so, I graduated and received my diploma. Since 2018, I have been an official member of the Society of Psychologists in the Republic of Bulgaria. That same year, it was time for my next goal: specializing in a dedicated training for eating disorders.
I completed training at the National Centre for Eating Disorders (NCFED) in London in the following areas:
- Holistic and balanced nutrition
- Eating disorder prevention
- Hyperphagia (emotional eating, binge eating)
- Skills and practices for working with people affected by eating disorders
What I believe sets me apart from other specialists is my personal experience as someone who has gone through all types of eating disorders. In turn, this gives me the privilege of deeply understanding the shame, anxiety, fears, despair, and all the accompanying extremely negative emotions of those affected by eating problems.
10) Eating Disorder Psychologist
In 2019, I decided it was time to be brave and start practicing as an “eating disorder psychologist.” Initially, I insisted on conducting all consultations in person. I rented a space in Sofia and created my dream office. I’ll never forget the thought and emotion I put into every single detail. Unfortunately, the first COVID wave came shortly after, and I had to close the office. At first, I saw this as a failure, but I quickly realized that everything happens for a reason. I switched to an online model and started reaching and helping many more people, including those who weren’t from Sofia and even those who don’t live in Bulgaria.
I won’t hide the fact that I was quite timid at the beginning of my new professional endeavor. I realized how responsible my work was and definitely lacked confidence. However, with time and years of practice, I solidified the philosophy I advocate for regarding these problems. The successful stories and saved lives behind me motivated me to continue moving forward boldly.
11) My Fitness Journey
In 2020, I decided to take a new step toward becoming an even better version of myself. Although eating disorders were entirely behind me, I felt that some pieces of the puzzle called “Balance and proper body care” were still missing.
In May of that year, I became part of a sports mentorship program. I was uniquely lucky to find a great coach, Krasimir Mihailov, who ignited a passion for fitness in me. With his help, I started to discover balance in my workouts. For the first time, I was using exercise as a way to care for my body, not as a punishment for the food I had eaten.
One of the main and leading motivations for me to start strength training was to be able to put my little daughter into her car seat by myself. I truly couldn’t lift her, and she was only four years old. Yes, I had zero strength after everything I had done to my body. The years of starvation had melted away every muscle in my body.
Exactly five months after starting my fitness journey, something incredible happened… We were in Varna, walking with Teia, and she fell. She started crying and wanted a hug. Her knees were scraped, and she didn’t want to walk. So I picked her up and, oh, what a miracle! I was able to do it with ease, to carry her, and even hold her with one arm so I could take a picture and brag to my coach. I will never forget that moment. It was one of those times where my appearance played no role at all; I was simply strong and able to help and carry my little daughter.
And so, a year passed in which I discovered all the positives of fitness with the help, support, understanding, and a wonderful mini-fitness community.
“Before” and “After”
I couldn’t believe how my body was transformed with food, WITHOUT obsessions, starvation, or prohibitions. It’s important to note that this time, I didn’t fall into any extreme. For the last almost five years, I have never worked out more than four times a week, with a maximum of one hour in the gym. Of course, I also had huge breaks from training due to my pregnancy, the rhythm of life with my children, and many personal obstacles.
This was also the reason I came to love the process. I reached a level of awareness where this time, nothing was “at all costs.”
12) My Little Second Miracle
After almost a year of heading in the completely right direction with exercise, proper food choices, and no prohibitions, I became pregnant completely normally and naturally with my second daughter. I’ll never forget how my boyfriend and I were discussing dates for an in-vitro procedure, and just two months later, my little second miracle happened.
Actually, I use the word “miracle,” but everything was the result of the right choices, faith in the process, support, effort, struggle, and constant self-improvement.
Amaya was born in December 2021. I can’t describe the happiness I felt. For me, this is the greatest reward for my final victory over eating disorders and the biggest and most sincere “Thank you” from my body to me.
13) Fitness Trainer – My New Professional Step and Realization
In 2023, I decided it was time to build on my knowledge and expand the ways I can help people. I enrolled in a course and successfully completed the Strong by Science Fitness Trainer Academy. This is a world-class academy, and I stand firmly behind that statement. Here, I want to say a huge “Thank you” to Kostadin Zashev—for his knowledge, attitude, and unwavering support. I am currently part of SBS Academy Pro and I can’t put into words the value that is given, both by Kostadin Zashev and by all the incredible, inspiring, and wonderful colleagues. This community gives me the strength and confidence to move forward even more boldly and to never stop building upon my knowledge and myself.
I chose this specific professional path because it perfectly complements the ways I can help. People with eating disorders often have difficulty finding balance in movement and in adapting things in a new way—so that workouts are not just for burning calories or as a punishment for food that was eaten or for binge eating, but primarily for building and maintaining a healthy and functional body, without extremes and without obsession. Not as punishment, but out of care and with love. (If you go back to chapter 6 of my story, you’ll remember how thin the line can be and how quickly one can fall into another extreme.)
I also want to help those of you who want to get in shape with knowledge, support, and faith in the process, not with starvation, deprivation, and prohibitions. Knowledge that will give you freedom and protect you from the trap of eating disorders and an unhealthy relationship with food!
I would be happy to help you walk this path together!
